©在美國教學時代的孫隆基教授
_________________________
Sort of Preface: The Age of “Post-” Everything
Beginning from my days as a TA in an American university through full professorship at my last American academic tenure, I had conducted the teaching of European Survey, later rechristened World History, to American students. The experience lasted through my teaching career until I transferred it to Taiwan. What a harrowing experience! I used to teach in the Big Ten, and some of the medium grade ones that are still within the top 200 among the 4,000 odd American higher education institutions. I am readily stunted by the cultural blank of my American student-clients.
As we are living in an age of “post-” everything, I am full of admiration of the Americans’ superb achievement in unburdening themselves of the nation, history, and literacy (aka cultural heritage). Rather than calling this ignorance, one might interpret it as a consignment to oblivion of everything that is beyond one\'s “private life.” It is not uncharitable to call it “cultural nirvana.”
算作是序： 活在「後」一切的時代
我在當助教時就開始、一直升遷至正教授都在美國的大學中擔任歐洲通史和後來變成世界史之類的課程，至轉來台灣任教為止，這個經驗真慘痛！我所教過的美國大學中有名列中西部十大者，較普通者亦在美國四千所大專院校中躋身前兩百名。令我驚愕不止的是美國大學生人文素養的一片空白。
在我們這個「後」(post-)一切的時代，我讚歎美國人之「後國家」(post-national)、「後歷史」(post-historical)、「後文字」(post-literate)已達登峰造極之境界：「個人」是全面解放的，不再有國家、民族、歷史、文化等包袱。不能責怪他們無知，而該詮釋為個人把自己「私生活」之外的一切都淪為無關宏旨。稱之為「文化涅槃」不算缺德。
_________________________
Diagnostic Map Quiz 診斷型的地圖測驗
In the first meeting of the class for a World Civilization course, the teacher as a rule gives the class a simple map quiz, which does not count against the total grade—it is simply a diagnostic of the students\' general level of knowledge. It is no longer worth the ink to tell that most students cannot get the continents right. Yet, some episodes are indeed memorable, such as putting the world upside down or filling in the ocean part of the name with country names.
One teacher is tempted to quiz the students with a map of the month to see if it makes any difference. To his chagrin, he could not find blank quiz sheets for the geography of the moon.
在世界通史學程開學的第一堂課，教師通常給班上一個地圖測驗，不算分數的，乃用來診斷該班的知識水平。大多數學生連世界各大洲都搞錯，已不值一哂。然而，有些插曲卻是難忘的，例如將世界地圖倒置，或者將國家填到了海洋部位去。
有一位教師福至心靈，想用月球地圖代替地球的地圖，看學生是否照填不誤，但遺憾找不到空白的月球地圖填寫試卷。
_________________________
Afghanistan is in Africa 阿富汗在非洲
In November 2001, when their country was attacking Afghanistan, a couple American students in a world history quiz placed Afghanistan on an African coast.
The teacher divined that the mistake was caused by Africa and Afghanistan sharing the initial letters Af-. He used the episode to illustrate to the class how homeopathic logicworks in savage thinking.
在2001年11月，當她們的國家正在進攻阿富汗的時候，兩個美國學生在世界史測驗中把阿富汗填到了非洲海岸上去。
老師猜測這個錯誤是由於非洲和阿富汗都是由Af-兩個字母開頭的。他用這個例子對全班解説蒙昧思想中的“同類邏輯”的操作。
_________________________
All-under-Heaven is America 普天之下，莫非美土
A teacher found it difficult to convey the imperial Chinese concept of China as “All-under-Heaven” to a world history class. For elucidation, he used some of the map quizzes done by students in that class. Those samples located London and Paris on the Mississippi. Thus, these world capitals are just like North Dakota, a part of America. There is no clear-cut boundary between the interior and the exterior. Everything is one piece, andvoilá, you have a model of “All-under-Heaven” easily accessible to people who live in their own world here!
一位教師感到不太容易把中國帝制時代的“天下觀”解釋給世界史的班上聼。爲了闡明起見，他利用了該班地圖測驗的幾個例子。那些樣本把倫敦和巴黎放到了密西西比河流域裏。於是，這些世界級的首都都變成了美國的一部分，好比是北德科達州一般。内與外之間並無清晰界綫。所有東西都是渾然一塊，瞧！這就是住在世界這端的人容易掌握的“天下觀”模型。
_________________________
Anglo Minus Saxon 盎格魯減去薩克森
A teacher of world history gives quizzes in the nature of filling in blanks on a one-sheet essay written by the teacher himself. The answers are given in an out-of-order manner at the bottom of the same sheet. More often then not, these answers are idiot-proof, give-away bonuses, as the quizzes are designed to cater to students who do not read textbooks. One such paragraph in a quiz on the fall of the Roman empire has “the Angles” followed by a blank that could only be the “Saxons.” Curiously, for that blank, every time the teacher gets answers like the “Huns,” “Vikings,” and “Franks.”
the teacher, a bit piqued, once told the class they were “Anglo-Saxons” themselves, so the blunder was “inexplicable.” In the class evaluations, some students retaliated, asserting that their being Anglo-Saxons did not oblige them to know the two were related.
一位世界史的老師給班上小型測驗，其性質是在一頁老師寫好的文章上填充。答案則在同一張考卷的底部，只是排列的次序是隨意的。這些答案往往是連笨蛋也會，等於送分，因爲這些測驗的設計正是對準不唸教科書的學生的胃口。在一次羅馬帝國滅亡史測驗中，某一段裏有“盎格魯”一詞，後面有一個空欄，只可能填入“薩克遜”。奇怪的是：在這個空欄裏，每一次都有人填入“匈奴”、“維京”、“法蘭克人”之類的答案。
老師微愠，有一次終于告訴班上說他們本身就是“盎格魯薩克遜人”，因此這種錯誤“不可理解”。有些學生就在期末對老師的評分裏加以報復，他們寫道：即使身為盎格魯薩克遜人，也無義務知曉兩者之間是有關聯的。
_________________________
St. Paul is the Apostle of the Genitals 聖保羅乃“生殖器的使徒”
In an ID question, a student identified St. Paul as the “Apostle of the Genitals.”
The teacher gave points to that answer on the merit of the following passage from chapter 2 of St. Paul’s Epistle to the Romans, “circumcision is a matter of the heart, a spiritual observance rather than a mere observance of the Law,” as evidence that the genital region was indeed central to St. Paul’s theology.
在一個辨識題中，一個學生把聖保羅辨認爲“生殖器的使徒”[1]
那位老師卻仍然給了該生幾分，根據的是聖保羅《致羅馬人第二書》第二章中的一段話：“割包皮禮是心靈之事物，是精神上的遵奉而不只是對聖律的遵奉”，證明生殖器部位在聖保羅的神學中確實佔了中心地位。
[1] 身在美國的“聖經地帶“，該生該聼聞聖保羅是“外邦人的使徒”(Apostle of the Gentiles)這個名詞。但真正無知起來，確實與活在何地一點關聯也沒有。但這類文化文盲對如何稱呼性器官則不會無知。
_________________________
Despot & Sexpot 專制君主和性娃
A teacher used the word “despot” in a lecture, and students went to the chair to complain about his “foreign accent.”
He found a replacement word for “despot,” and that was “sexpot,” and, miraculously, his “foreign accent” instantly disappeared.
He, understandably, had sought pre-approval from the administration to use sex-related terms in the classroom.
一位教師在一次授課裏用了“專制君主”這個名詞。學生就到系主任那裏埋怨他的“外國口音”。
他找到了“性娃”這個詞來替代“專制君主”。如奇跡一般，他的“外國口音”不見了。
可以理解，他事先徵求校方批准在課堂上用與性有關的名詞。
_________________________
Auschwitz Turkey Farm 奧希維玆火雞畜養場
A student went to a world history final exam without a clue. In the ID section, she simply took that section as her palette and used terms already there to “compose” history. As they included the Young Turk movement and Auschwitz, she identified the latter as “the leader of the Young Turk Movement.”
Auschwitz as a notorious slaughterhouse of the enemies of the Nazi state would have no meaning to a mind displaying no sense of history. One can’t help wondering if, in the latter’s imagination, Auschwitz & Sons is not a leader in the business of operating spring chicken and turkey farms?
一個學生在茫無頭緒的情形下參加世界史期末考。在辨識題的部份，她索性把該部份當作她的調色板，利用它上面提供的名詞來“編造”歷史。既然它們包括“少年土耳其運動”和“奧希維玆”，她就把後者說成是“少年土耳其運動的領袖。”
奧希維玆是納粹國家惡名昭彰的屠宰政敵的死亡營，但對一個不知歷史爲何物的心靈來説毫無意義。我們不禁出奇：在她的想象力中，奧希維玆父子公司是否乃經營養春雞和火雞場事業的翹楚？
_________________________
Was Jesus born in the Bethlehem Hospital? 耶穌是否在伯利恆醫院出生的？
A student in a world history class failed a quiz for not being able to place Jesus Christ at the time of the Romans. In fact, she heard about the Romans for the very first time from the teacher.
The teacher asked the student if she was a Christian. The answer was “yes” and the student went on to explain that she only knew Jesus was born in Bethlehem.
The teacher then did a research to see if Shelby County had a Bethlehem Hospital with a maternity ward. He failed to find any birth clinic by that name. Even as a master casuist of passing non-passable students, he had no resort but to fail the quiz.
一個世界史班上的學生沒通過一次小型測驗，她未能把耶穌放在羅馬人的時代。事實上，她第一次從老師那裏聽到有羅馬人這囘事。
老師問該生是否基督徒。她說“是”並接着說她只知道耶穌誕生在伯利恆。
那位老師遂進行搜查，視[田納西州]肖比縣是否有一所有產科病房的伯利恆醫院。他沒有發現任何醫院具此名稱。縱使他是一個讓不該及格的學生過關的通融學大師，他也沒有辦法，只好把這份測驗當掉了。
_________________________
The Cuban Missle Crisis is the Canadian Missile Crisis 古巴導彈危機即加拿大導彈危機
In an exam, the Cuban Missile Crisis became the Canadian Missile Crisis in a student’s answer. Fortunately, the professor, who is a master casuist, also happens to know the following fact:
During the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Canadian prime minister John Diefenbaker refused to support American actions against Cuba. The Kennedy Administration reacted by temporarily seizing command of the Canadian military. The Americans then poured campaign funds and campaign experts into Canada to remove Diefenbaker. As a result, the rival Liberal Party’s Lester B. Pearson became prime minister in April 1963, and in May agreed to president Kennedy’s request to equip Canadian missiles with U.S.-supplied nuclear warheads.
The “Cuban Missile Crisis,” after all, is the “Canadian Missile Crisis.” Verdict: Pass!
In an exam, the Cuban Missile Crisis became the Canadian Missile Crisis in a student’s answer. Fortunately, the professor, who is a master casuist, also happens to know the following fact:
During the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Canadian prime minister John Diefenbaker refused to support American actions against Cuba. The Kennedy Administration reacted by temporarily seizing command of the Canadian military. The Americans then poured campaign funds and campaign experts into Canada to remove Diefenbaker. As a result, the rival Liberal Party’s Lester B. Pearson became prime minister in April 1963, and in May agreed to president Kennedy’s request to equip Canadian missiles with U.S.-supplied nuclear warheads.
The “Cuban Missile Crisis,” after all, is the “Canadian Missile Crisis.” Verdict: Pass!
在一次考試中，一個學生把“古巴導彈危機”當成了“加拿大導彈危機”。幸虧該教授是通融學大師，而且剛巧知道下列事實：
在古巴危機期間，加拿大總理狄芬貝克拒絕支持美國對古巴的制裁。美國的甘迺迪政府就暫時僭奪了加拿大的軍事指揮權。美國人隨後把大量競選經費和競選專家投入加拿大，推翻了狄芬貝克。結果，敵對的自由黨的皮爾孫在1963年4月獲選為加拿大總理，在5月即同意甘迺迪總統的要求，把加拿大飛彈裝上美國的核子彈頭。
“古巴飛彈危機”歸根到底是“加拿大飛彈危機”。判詞：及格！
_________________________
The Chinese Practice "Confusion" 中國人信奉“混亂教”
In a quiz, a couple of students identified Confucius as an archaeological site, a few named him the supreme Chinese deity, whereas the majority spelled his name asConfusion. Who is to be blamed?
In warning the teacher not to be too hard on the local students, a department head had already hinted that the “Asian” way in teaching was ill-suited to the “needs” of certain local groups.
Now, if the Chinese themselves practice “confusion,” you can’t expect local students not getting confused.
在一個測驗裡，有兩個學生把孔夫子當作是一個考古學遺址的名稱，有那麼幾個把他當作是中國的最高神祇，而大部分則把他的名字寫成“混亂”。這該怪誰？
在警告一位老師不要對本地學生要求過苛時，一個系主任已經作出暗示謂“亞洲”式教學方式不符某些地方族群的“要求”。
現在倒好，連中國人自身都信“混亂教”的，本地學生不被搞混亂才怪呢。
_________________________
Deconstructing Bennett 把班納特解構掉
In a World Civilizations midterm exam, a student identified “Homer” as “a Hindu.”
The teacher happened to support the Stanford University’s battle against Bill Bennett, President Reagan’s Secretary of Education, on the issue of teaching “post-colonial” texts rather than the canons of Western Civilization in core courses. He cited the aforementioned example as “deconstructing Bennett.”
He argues thus: If an average American college student would identify a Western canon as “Hindu,” it means that the boundary between Western and non-Western is artificial.
在一次世界文明史的期中考裏，一個學生把“荷馬”辨認為“一名印度教徒”。
那位老師剛巧是支持史丹福大學對抗雷根總統的教育部長比爾·班納特的一員，爭議點是該否在核心課程裏教授“後殖民地”文本、取西方文明的正典而代之。他舉上述的例子為“班納特之被解構”。
那位老師辯稱：如果一位平均水平的美國學生把一部西方正典當作是“印度教的”，即表示西方與非西方的界綫純屬人爲。
_________________________
The Diaries of 3 Mad Housewives 三個憤怒家庭主婦的日記
When more than two pieces of dissertation in a history graduate program are based on the diaries and journals of three local women, then a genre has clearly come into existence.
When required to incorporate other countries as their minor fields, the candidates usually approach teachers in European, Russian, or Chinese history, and ask to write, respectively, a research paper on “3 women in Paris,” “3 women in Moscow,” or “3 women in Shanghai.”
If the professor attempts to sound out about the candidate’s knowledge of the French, the Russian, or the Chinese Revolution, the response is possibly: “I don’t know, I don’t care.”
當一個研究所有超出三份的博士論文是依據三個本地婦女的日記或日誌寫成的，一個文種就誕生了。
當研究所要求她們必須在次要領域裏包含其他國家的時候，這些博士候補員一般會前往教授歐洲、俄國，或中國歷史的老師處，要求寫“巴黎三女性”、“莫斯科三女性”、“上海三女性”的研究論文。
如果這些教授們問她們有關法國、俄國、中國革命的學識，答案極可能是：“我不知道，也不關心。”
_________________________
Duke of Hazard 涉險的大公
In an exam question on the outbreak of World War I, an honor-class student stated that it was triggered by the assassination of Franz Ferdinand, Archduke of France, when he visited the Austria-Hungarian territory.
Setting aside the folly of identifying a fellow called “Franz” as from France, the student actually had more sense than those politicians responsible for the outbreak of World War I. Come to think of it: Why should France sustain an attack by Germany when some Austrian “duke of hazard” got knocked off in his hazardous corner of the world?[1]
一個榮譽班的學生回答有關第一次世界大戰爆發的一個試題，說導火綫是由於法國大公法蘭玆·斐迪南在訪問奧匈帝國領地時遇刺。
姑莫論把一個名曰“法蘭玆”的人當成法國人之愚蠢，該生其實比該對引發第一次世界大戰負責的政客們有見識。試想想：一個冒風險的奧國公爵在他那個危險的世界的角落被幹掉，法國卻遭到德國攻打，其道理安在？[2]
_________________________
Babylon in Egypt 巴比倫在埃及
A midterm exam question asked for a comparison between the civilizations of Egypt and Mesopotamia. In an answer, the paragraph on Egypt was so vague that the generalization could as well apply to Hong Kong. It was followed by a more specific passage on Mesopotamia, to the effect that the land was divided into Upper and Lower Egypts.
The teacher, given the mission impossible that every client who had paid tuition must pass, lived up to the task. He managed to track down an obscure piece of information: Modern Cairo actually evolved from an ancient Roman garrison town called “Babylon-on-the-Nile.” This finding was sufficient to prove that the ancients themselves were confused, so you can’t blame it on modern college kids. Verdict: Pass!
The teacher, given the mission impossible that every client who had paid tuition must pass, lived up to the task. He managed to track down an obscure piece of information: Modern Cairo actually evolved from an ancient Roman garrison town called “Babylon-on-the-Nile.” This finding was sufficient to prove that the ancients themselves were confused, so you can’t blame it on modern college kids. Verdict: Pass!
一個期中考的試題要求把埃及和兩河流域的文明作比較。在一份答案裏，有關埃及那一段十分含混，其概括性甚至可以適用于香港。接着有關兩河流域那段比較具體，但它說兩河流域是分成“上埃及”和“下埃及”兩個部份。
那位教師面臨一項不可能的任務，必須讓每個繳過學費的學生都及格，但卻臨危不亂。他設法找到一則少爲人知的資訊：今天的開羅事實上從一個羅馬軍隊駐防地演變而來，這個據點叫做在“尼羅河上的巴比倫”。這個發現足以證明：連古人都產生混淆，因此你不能責怪現代的大學生。判詞：及格！
_________________________
The Egyptian-Serbian Alliance 埃及與塞爾維亞聯盟
In an ID question on Gamal Abd El-Nasser, an honor class student wrote: “An Egyptian president, who allied with the Palestinian Serbs against the Jews. They formed a Pan-Serbian army to destroy the state of Israel.”
This geographical transmogrification of “Syria” into “Serbia” is reminiscent of certain Diaspora Jewish practices of renaming European towns, rivers, and hills with names from their lost homeland. If there is nothing wrong with such practices except the inability to mourn (for the losses), why shouldn’t students be given the liberty to rename “Aramaic” as “Arminian,” “Jordan” as “London,” “Monaco” as “Morocco,” “Lateran” as “Lebanon,” “Palestine” as “Pakistan,” “Andora” as “Angola,” “Manchuria” as “Korea,” and the outcome not being counted as mistakes?
在一則有關納薩的辨識題中，一個榮譽班的學生寫道：“一位埃及總統，他和巴勒斯坦的塞爾維亞人結盟，共同對付猶太人。他們爲摧毀以色列國家而組成了泛塞爾維亞聯軍。”
在地理上把“敍利亞”化爲“塞爾維亞”，令人想起失去故鄉散居世界各地的猶太人的一種習慣，就是用失去了的故鄉之地名重新命名歐洲的山水、城鎮。這個措施除了對失去了的東西不懂得悲働之外，實無可厚非。因此，為何不讓學生把“阿蘭姆”當作“阿美尼亞”、“約旦”當作“倫敦”、“摩納哥”當作“摩洛哥”、“拉特朗”當作“黎巴嫩”、“巴勒斯坦”當作“巴基斯坦”、“安道耳”當作“安哥拉”、“滿洲”當作“高麗”的自由，而不把這種張冠李戴算作錯誤？
_________________________
The English Civil War 英國內戰
In a world history exam, an ID question was on the “English Civil War.” A student wrote down: “A war between Europe and Africa.” Obviously, those were the only geographical terms she was vaguely aware of, yet terms devoid of any mental content. She did not know what was “English,” what was “civil war,” what was a country, and what was a continent.
The teacher put this case to full use in an upper division course (“Intellectual History of East Asia”)，to illustrate Nakamura Gen’s view of the Indian Mind: It is a penchant to speculate on a subject devoid of parameters, thus leaving a lot of room for the imagination to create something out of nothing.
在一次世界史的考試裏，有一個辨認題是“英國的内戰”。一個學生回答道：“一場歐洲和非洲之間的戰爭。”顯然，這些是她朦朧知覺中僅有的地理名詞，但並不能在腦中衍生任何内容。她不知道甚麼是“英國”，甚麼是“内戰”，一個國家是甚麼，一個洲又是甚麼。
那位教師在一個高班的課程（東亞思想史）裏充分利用了這個例子，用它來説明中村元對印度人思維方式的看法：喜歡對不設範圍的思辨對象進行懸想，因此給與想象力廣闊的空間，令它得以無中生有。
_________________________
Eugene versus Debs 尤金與德布斯對簿公堂
In an ID question in U.S. History, a student creatively identified the first American socialist presidential candidate Eugene V. Debs as a “court case.”
The fault naturally lay with the professor, who had neglected to leave out the middle initial of Eugene Debs’s name.
Under the new concept of treating students as “clients,” the professor obviously needs re-education as to how to present his ware in a “user-friendly” manner.
在回答一個美國史的辨識題時，一個學生創造性地把美國第一位社會主義總統競選人尤金·德布斯說成是一個“最高法院的判例”。
這自然該歸咎于教授。他不該把尤金·德布斯的中間名字的縮寫字母也包括進去。
在把學生當作“顧客”的新觀念底下，那位教授顯然該接受再教育，學習如何以“對應用者友善的方式”擺設他的貨色。
_________________________
FAT CHANCE! 癡心妄想!
A teacher asked a student, who claimed to be a Christian, if he had ever read the Bible. The student responded to the effect that he had never opened it.
If a person would not open a book even when his salvation depends on it, what are the chances of him reading the textbook for a 3-credit college course? FAT CHANCE!
一個學生自稱為基督徒，老師問他有否看過《聖經》。該生回答說從未把它打開過。
如果一個人連得救所賴的書他都不會打開，他去閱讀一個三學分的教科書的機會有多大呢？甭癡心妄想了吧！
_________________________
Footbinding & the Andrea Yates Case 纏腳與安菊亞·葉斯案
A teacher of World Civilizations took pains to show that the traditional Chinese practice of footbinding for women was a sign of their oppression. In the midterm, some students described footbinding as a practice of Chinese mothers who broke their children’s feet, and these mothers occasionally also drowned their children, and if this had happened in our society, they would have been thrown in jail.
These answers occurred in the same week as Andrea Yates’s guilty verdict. The teacher used the synchronicity to illustrate the validity of Benedetto Croce’s thesis that “all history is contemporary history.”
一位世界文明史的教師費了不少勁解釋舊中國婦女的纏腳象徵她們被壓迫的地位。到了期中考，有些學生把纏腳理解為中國媽媽折斷子女的腳，而這些媽媽偶爾也會把子女淹死，如果這種事發生在我們的社會，她們會鋃鐺入獄。
這些答案出現在安菊亞·葉斯被判有罪的同一周。[1] 老師遂用這個共時性來論證克羅齊“所有歷史都是當代史”的命題。
_________________________
Foreign Students know better 外籍生更知曉美國在哪裡
A teacher of world history keeps getting bizarre answers in the map quizzes from his classes: Indochina is placed in Siberia, Hong Kong at the bottom of the Baltic Sea, and India and Africa are sometimes collapsed, as both have pointed southern tips. It is not uncommon that, with the reward of a bonus point, the entire class fail to name the capital of Austria or Japan. Once, he even had a person not knowing the direction of Canada. In the diagnostic quiz at the beginning of the semester, he regards it a good sign if one third of the class can identify China.
The teacher cannot help pointing out a paradox, to the effect that foreign students tend to know better where is the United States than the local students. He reasons thus: A foreign student at least knows where is his or her own country and where is America and all the countries in between, whereas the locals, not knowing the whereabout of a single country in the world, have no co-ordinates to place America.
To apply an analogy: Earthlings that are oblivious of the other planets in the solar system have no way to find the earth itself. Their universe is akin to that patch of sky observable by a frog marooned at the bottom of a well.
一位世界史的老師常從地圖測驗裏遇到匪夷所思的答案: 中南半島被放到西伯利亞、香港則置於波羅的海之海底、印度和非洲則被合併為一，因爲兩者的底部都是尖的。即使答對了總分會加一分的堂上即興發問，全班學生說不出奧地利和日本的首都名稱之事也非不常見。有一次，甚至有人不知道加拿大在何方。在學期之始並不算分的診斷性地圖測驗中，如果班上有三分之一知道中國在那裏，他就認爲形勢大好。
但那位教師也忍不住指出一個悖論：外國留學生多半比本地學生更清楚美國在哪裏。他解釋說：一個外國留學生至少知道他[她]的本國和美國在哪裏，因此必須知道一切在兩者之間的國家；至於本地生，既然不知道世界上任何國家，就沒有了可以置放美國的坐標。
況之以比喻：對太陽系内其他行星毫不在意的地球人將不知地球在哪裏。他們的宇宙有如井底之蛙所能看見的那片天空。
_________________________
Gibberish 胡言亂語
As a format of quiz, a teacher gives the class an essay with 12 blank spots, and lists the answers below in an out-of-order manner. The quiz requests the students to choose from the already-provided answers to make sense of the whole essay. He gets some answers that really jolt his imagination. The following are a few samples:
Hungary India
Mesopotamian, Spain
Alexandria, a Han emissary
Turkish Buddhism
Volga Buddhism
Sumatra Egypt
一位老師在班上測驗的方式是給學生一篇文章，上面空了12格，答案則不按次序列在文章下面。測驗的方法是讓學生在現成的答案中挑選與空格吻合者，使整篇文章的意義清晰化。他得到的一些答案連他的想像力都受到搖撼。下面是一些例子:
匈牙利印度
「兩河流域的」乃西班牙一處地名
名曰「亞歷山大里亞」的漢朝使節
突厥佛教
伏爾加佛教
蘇門塔臘埃及
_________________________
Hitler in World War I 希特勒在第一次世界大戰
In an exam question on the outbreak of World War I, an answer from an honor class wrote that “with the assassination of the Archduke of Austria, war was declared, and Hitler marshaled his troops against the Jews.”
Even Herr Hitler would be hard put to stretch his theory of “international Jewish conspiracy” that far—short of relocating himself in an alternate universe.
在回答第一次世界大戰如何爆發的考試題中，一個榮譽班學生的答案說：當奧國大公被刺後，戰爭就宣佈了，希特勒開始集結他的軍隊對付猶太人。
即使希特勒先生想把他的國際猶太陰謀說扯到這個上頭，也有點困難——除非他將自己遷徙到一個另類宇宙中去。
_________________________
the Holy Mormon Empire 神聖摩門帝國
In a world history midterm, a student placed the Holy Roman Empire on the American continent.
The professor commented on the margin: “I suppose then it turned into the Holy Mormon Empire！”
In another exam, a student wrote: “The Chinese Empire was an empire on the European continent.”
The professor exclaimed on the margin: “How come you are aware that Austria-Hungary was nicknamed the ‘China of Europe’? Marvelous! Marvelous!”
在一次世界史的期中考裏，一個學生把神聖羅馬帝國放到了美洲大陸上。
那位教授在考卷邊上空白處寫下評語：“我猜它大概化身為神聖摩門帝國了吧！”
在另一次考試中，一個學生寫道：“中華帝國是歐洲大陸上的一個帝國。”
那位教授在考卷邊上空白處嘖嘖稱奇道：“你是如何得知奧匈帝國有‘歐洲的中國’之諢名的? 神奇哉！”
_________________________
Honorary Woman 榮譽女性
In a women’s studies class, the class voted to purge the hated “man” component from “woman,” and decided to rewrite the word as “womin” and “womyn.” One student opted for “womian,” to make it sound more like a minority group. Another proposed to change the ending of a prayer from “Amen” to “A woman.”
There was only one male student in the class and he felt that he was becoming the receptacle of all the negative vibes. He pleaded with the rest: “since I am an Oriental, count me as an honorary woman！”
在一門婦女研究的課裏，班上投票決定把woman一詞中可恨的man這個組成部份去除，把“婦女”寫成womin 或womyn。有一位學生選擇了womian，聼起來比較像一個少數族群。另有人建議把祈禱終結辭從“阿門”改成“阿烏門”。
全班只有一位男生，他感到自己變成所有的負性電波的承受者，就懇求大家：“我既然是一個東方人，該算做一位榮譽婦女吧！”
_________________________
Long Live Ignorantism！ 壯哉無知主義！
A teacher was at a loss to lecture to a class that seem to know nothing, or in his words, are akin to E.Ts., who have just landed on Earth yesterday. As this took place in a college in the Bible Belt, he assumed that people there at least knew something about Christianity and the Holy Scriptures, and he could begin from there.
As he had reiterated the statement that Christians should know about Christianity once too often, a student got exasperated and exclaimed: “All we have to do is to believe, we don’t have to know!”
一位老師面臨一班全然無知的學生，用他的話說“猶如昨天才降落地球的外星人”，不知如何措手。他想既然在聖經地帶的大學裏教書，人們至少知道基督教和聖經，他不如以此為起點。但是，他把基督徒該認識他們自身信仰這句話説了太多遍，一位被激起的學生終于喚出：“我們只需相信便得，不用知道！”
_________________________
Jerk and Asshole 渾蛋加三級
When a student found out in the second week of the semester that he needed to be present in the class to obtain up to 50% of the grade, he began to circulate a letter among the students denouncing the teacher to the department head. The charges were: The teacher has an accent, therefore he doesn’t speak English, hence he doesn’t know how to teach.
When both teacher and student were summoned to the chair’s office, that student only had one signature on the letter: his own.
In the three way confrontation, the chair said that as the student had problems, the teacher should render him extra help outside of the class. The student blurted out: “I don’t even have the time to come to class, and now you want me to meet outside of the class!” He cursed both teacher and chair and stormed out of the office and was never heard from again.
一個學生在開課第二周後發現：在該課程裏，至少有百份之五十的分數是必須上課才能獲得，他就開始在班上傳一封致系主任的信，告發該老師有外國口音，由此推論他不會說英文，再由此推論他不懂得教學。
當該教師和該生都被招到系主任辦公室去時，他的那封信上只收集到一個簽名：他自己的。
在三面對質期間，系主任說既然該生有學習問題，教師該在課外替他額外補習。該生聼了，沖口而出：“我連上課都沒有時間，你還叫我在堂外上課！”他把老師和系主任都罵了，沖出辦公室，以後沒有再現身。
_________________________
The John Wayne View of History 約翰·偉恩史觀
In a U.S. Survey exam, a student wrote that “the Tongkin Bay Resolution authorized Korea to attack the United States, and that was how the Vietnam War got started.”
That kind of answer can be characterized as the “John Wayne view of history.” John Wayne, the archetypal American patriotic hero, fights every possible enemy of this great country on the silver screen. Quite often, the same Cantonese extras from the Chinatowns were used to play Japs, Gooks, and commies, small wonder that they all became the same.
在一場美國通史的考試裏，一個學生寫道：“[美國國會的]東京灣決議案核准朝鮮攻打美國，越戰因之爆發。”
這類答案可美其名爲“約翰·偉恩史觀”。約翰·偉恩是美國愛國英雄的基型，他在銀幕上和這個偉大的國家的每一個敵人作戰。[在這類電影裏]往往是由同一批來自唐人街的臨時演員扮演日本鬼子、韓鬼子，以及共產黨，因此，他們都變成同一個東西也不足稱奇了。
_________________________
Malcolm X 馬爾康X
In an ID question in a U.S. history exam, a student transmogrified Malcolm X into “a secret agent working for our side during World War II.”
Isn’t it overly demanding of today’s students to present a question of this nature as an ID? It is more advisable to have it cast in the form of a multiple choice, namely:
__ a member of the X-men
__ a representative of the Generation X
__ an episode in X-Files
__ Malcolm Mooney’s rock band, Tenth Planet
__ a king of Scotland
在一次美國史考試的辨認題裏，一個學生把馬爾康X胡扯成“二次大戰期間為我方工作的一個特務”。
把這種性質的問題用辨認題形式來考今日的學生，是否有點要求過份？該考慮用多項選擇的形式，例如：
____ X特異功能人的一員
____ X這一代的代表人物之一
____ X檔案片集裏的一集
____ 馬爾康·夢尼的搖滾樂團“第十個星球”
____ 蘇格蘭歷史上的一個國王
_________________________
Mandate of Heaven 天命觀
A teacher of World Civilizations introduced the Chinese concept of the “Mandate of Heaven” to a class. In the midterm, he got answers like “the Mandate of Heaven is where people that are not good enough for Heaven would go after death.”
That young professor was only at that institution for 2 years. He was enlightened by a senior colleague about the mentalité of the natives. The import of the answer then became clear: The Chinese are not good enough for the Christian Heaven, so they would go to a heathen Heaven called the “Mandate of Heaven.”
一個世界文明史的教師在課堂上介紹中國的“天命觀”。到了期中考時，他得到的答案裏包括“天命是人死後還沒有資格進入天堂的人去的場所”。
該年輕教授在該學府就職才兩年。他和一位年長的同事談過後才開竅明瞭土著們的心態。該答案的意義方才水落石出：中國人還不夠格進入基督教的天國，因此他們去一個叫做“天命”的異教天堂。
_________________________
Martin Luther and Moses 馬丁路德與摩西
A student sat through the entire course of World Civilizations II without comprehending a thing. Having received an “F,” she left a number for the teacher to call. It was the mother who picked up the phone. She said: “Are you aware that it is we who are paying your salary?” The teacher protested: “Why don’t you simply purchase a degree?”
The parent backed off and the teacher became more reconciliatory, explaining the general ignorance of the class, namely, people had never heard of Martin Luther. Initially, the parent thought he meant “Martin Luther King,” then admitted that she also had no knowledge of the more ancient namesake.
The teacher indicated that their part of the world was largely Protestant. The parent excused herself for being Jewish and not conversant with Christian lore. The teacher said: “I am Chinese, but I know Moses.”
一名學生在世界文明史（下）的堂上坐了一個學期，都不知所云。她得了不及格的分數後，留下電話號碼要老師找她。但接電話的卻是她的媽媽，她說：“你該明白是我們付你薪水的！”老師抗議道：“你何不索性購買一個學位算了！”
那位家長讓了一步，老師亦採和解態度，開始解釋班上普遍的無知，例如說從居然對馬丁路德都聞所未聞。開頭時，那位家長以為他在談金恩博士，後來則坦稱她也不知道那位同名的古人是誰。
老師指出他們所在地大體上是基督新教地帶。家長則找藉口說她是猶太人，對基督教那套不甚了了。老師則說：“我是中國人，卻知道摩西！”
_________________________
Martin Luther founds a new religion 馬丁路德創立新宗教
A teacher assumed too much in his lecture on the Protestant Reformation, thinking that, as he was teaching at a college in the Bible Belt, he was merely rehashing the origin of the faith of the majority of his class attendants
In the midterm, he used Martin Luther as an ID, and got answers like: “Founder of a new religion called PROESTANT.” The beauty of it lies in its sounding like a novel prophylactic with instant effect that will make it hot on the pharmaceutical market.
The teacher earnestly contemplated stealing the label and to have it patented.
一位老師在講授基督新教的宗教改革時，事先設定的前提不確。他想：既然在聖經地帶的一所學府中執教，他不過是把班上大部分學生的信仰起源史翻炒冷飯而已。
到了期中考，他將“馬丁路德”當作辨認題，得到的答案卻有“創立一種名曰普羅哀斯坦的新宗教者”。這個名稱的妙處在於它聽起來像新上市的預防藥劑，它具立竿見影之效，在醫藥市場上必定會大大地暢銷。
老師真的很想把這個商標據為己有，並申請專利。
_________________________
Montgolfiera 熱氣球
In a world history exam, an answer to a question on Napoleon wrote that he, for his coronation as emperor, “had the Pope flown in from Rome.”
As the student did not specify that the Pope had traveled in a Concorde, the possibility of him riding a montgolfiera, or hot-air balloon, cannot be entirely ruled out. Therefore, the professor could not find fault with that answer.
在一次世界史的考試中，一個有關拿破侖試題的答案說：爲了他登基帝位的加冕典禮，他“從羅馬把教皇飛過來”。
既然該生並無特別説明教皇是乘坐協和號噴氣機的，遂不能完全排除他乘坐熱氣球之可能性。因此，教授不能在此答案裏找渣子。
_________________________
Napoleon $ Napoleon III 拿破崙與拿破崙第三
In an ID question on Napoleon, a student wrote a paragraph on Napoleon III. The teacher gave no points to that answer, but the student was defiant. She said she had studied the textbook––his textbook, and wrote what the textbook told her.
Taking into consideration the fact that there is such a thing called “mistaken identity” even in police work, the teacher made a partial concession to the student.
在一題有關拿破侖的辨認題中，一個學生寫了一段是有關拿破侖第三的。老師把該答案的分都扣掉，但該生卻採對抗態度。她說她有溫習教科書—教科書又是他指派的，教科書裏怎麼說她就怎麼寫。
教師考量即使警察辦案也有“抓錯人”這囘事，遂對該生作出局部性讓步。
_________________________
Napoleon a piece of cake 拿破崙是一塊蛋糕
In an ID question in a midterm, a student identified Napoleon as a country that was partitioned 3 times.
The teacher, who excels in the casuistry of passing students who do not perform well, found the situation beyond remedy and wrote on the margin: “If you had simply left out the word ‘country,’ I could have passed Napoleon for a piece of cake.”
在一次期中考的一個辨認題裏，某學生的回答是把拿破侖當作一個國家的名稱，說該國曾被瓜分過三次。
該教師雖然精於通融表現差勁的學生之道，這一次卻無可設法，只得在考卷的頁邊空白處提字：“你把‘國家’兩字省掉便好了，那樣我可以把拿破侖當作一塊蛋糕看待。”[1]
_________________________
North Dakota 北達科達
A Japanese teaching assistant told his Chinese teacher that when he asked his World Civilizations class to name the current capital of Japan, some said “Hiroshima” (because it was nuked), some said Edo (because it happened to be in the textbook as the capital of the Tokugawa bakufu), and some said Kobe (because there was a steak house in town by that name), but none guessed Tokyo.
His teacher brought up this episode in a conversation with the American department chair. The chair quipped: “Let’s see if he knows where is the capital of North Dakota!”
Since then, the teacher has nicknamed the teacher assistant “Dakota Shimizu,” and congratulates him to be in the illustrious company of the child prodigy Dakota Fanning.
一位日本教學助理告訴他的中國老師說：他在世界文明史課堂上問日本當前的首都在哪裏，有學生說“廣島”（因爲吃過原子彈）、有人說“江戶”（因爲教科書裏說它是德川幕府的首都）、亦有人說是神戶（因爲本地有牛排店以此命名），硬是無人猜到東京。
他的老師在和美國系主任談話中提及此事。系主任挖苦說：“看他是否知道北德科達州的首府在哪兒！”
自此以後，老師給那名教學助理起了一個諢名：“水光·德科達”，並祝賀他和才藝童星德科達·范寧同列名人榜。
_________________________
Palestine in India 巴勒斯坦在印度
In a world history final, an honor student’s answer to a question on India’s independence from England stated that “when colonial rule was ended, a separate state called Palestine was created to save the Muslims.”
Nowadays, if students don’t know a thing, the fashion is to scapegoat the teacher. In the above case, why don’t we blame the British for a change? Their style was too much identical in all of their colonies, namely, to foment internal strife among the natives before the departure of the colonizer power.
Unfortunate for today’s jellified minds, there were Muslims in British India and there were Muslims in the BritishMandatedTerritory of the Holy Land. What do you expect if the same British, the same Muslims are represented in the post-national, post-historical, post-literate imagination of this generation, tasking it to tell the difference?
This kind of imagination operates on the principle of “one thing is the same as another”––in Japanese, it is called onaji desu!
Unfortunate for today’s jellified minds, there were Muslims in British India and there were Muslims in the BritishMandatedTerritory of the Holy Land. What do you expect if the same British, the same Muslims are represented in the post-national, post-historical, post-literate imagination of this generation, tasking it to tell the difference?
This kind of imagination operates on the principle of “one thing is the same as another”––in Japanese, it is called onaji desu!
一個世界史期末考的考題是有關印度從英國殖民地統治底下獨立，一個榮譽班學生的答案卻説：“當殖民地統治結束時，另外成立了一個叫做巴勒斯坦的國家來拯救回教徒。”
如果今日的學生一無所知，通行的作風是把老師當作代罪羔羊。在上面這個例子裏，不如換換口味，怪罪英國人如何？他們的統治風格在所有的殖民地都太過雷同了，亦即是在殖民者離開之前在土著之間釀造内部衝突。
真正不幸，對我們今日的化了漿的心靈來說，在英屬印度有回教徒，在受英國托管的聖地也有回教徒。把同樣的英國人、同樣的回教徒浮現在這一代人的後國家、後歷史、後學識的想象力中，力求它說個分曉，能期待什麼？
這種想象力的操作原理是“凡事物都是一樣的”—用日文說，就是onaji desu!
_________________________
The Portuguese and College Students 葡萄牙人與大學生
Five and a half centuries ago, the Portuguese had a problem. Although they knew the positions of Europe and Asia, as well as the Indian Ocean, they were uncertain whether Africa was a continuous land mass or, if one sailed southward along its coast, there was a water passageway connecting the Atlantic with the Indian Ocean.
With today’s American college students, the situation has become more helpless, for they do not know where is Europe, Asia, Africa, or the Indian Ocean. Neither do they connect the Atlantic to the Indian or, for that matter, any, Ocean.
五個半世紀以前，葡萄牙人面臨一個問題。他們雖然知道歐洲和亞洲的位置，也知道印度洋在哪裏，但卻不能確定非洲到底是否一塊一直延伸的陸地，還是沿它的海岸往南航行的話會有一條連接大西洋和印度洋的水路。
今日美國大學生的問題則更形無助，因爲他們不知道歐洲、亞洲、非洲或印度洋在哪兒。他們也不會把大西洋和印度洋或任何洋連接起來。
_________________________
【to be continued】
_________________________
沒有留言:
張貼留言